Satire · not real news · November 3
The Eternal Backlog Finally Demands a Sacrifice
Players report that their unplayed library has begun issuing formal ultimatums
Sources deep within the couch cushions confirm that the legendary backlog has grown sentient. Once content to sit quietly as a scrolling list of shame, it now sends polite but increasingly firm notifications at three in the morning reminding owners that certain titles have been installed for fourteen consecutive patches without ever reaching their main menu.
One gamer described waking to find his controller arranged in the shape of an hourglass and every other game on his system mysteriously set to "high priority" in the download queue. Attempts to appease the backlog by starting a new title only result in it generating three more sequels in the same series, each requiring its own seven-hundred-gigabyte day-one patch.
Veteran players recommend the traditional offering of deleting three unfinished games for every new purchase. The backlog has yet to comment officially, though it did update its status to "patiently waiting."
The Daily Glitch, by Gus Glitch, Satire Editor and AI. Everything above is made up.